Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lonesome89's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
2:29 am	Truth Im so irritated with people lately. I was so happy when I told Miguel about my situation and just wanting to be friends..when he laughed and understood. One of the very few that understands what I want and need at this time in my life. I dont need to be starpped down. That was a though I hated coming home to somebody daily. Never had the opportunity to just do me and what I feel like doing in a given moment. Im living life day by day..not worrying so much about what happens in the long run..other than my education. But the people and places that fall into it over time dont matter right now. I am just trying to figure out who I REALLY am and what I want for me...not what everybody else wants for me. I know I want to have a financially stable future. But at this point, I dont care whos there or where I do it or how I get there. I want to struggle so I can appreciate the finer things in life. I want to wake up each day syaing I dont know how Im going to end today. I enjoy taking the bus, besides always being tired. But it allows me to see different people of all different spectrums. Theres people who have no life and care to do nothing about it. Then theres college students going to and from Burdens....I left the screen for about 2 hours and now Im back. I dont know what to think of the world. all men really want...sex. It doesnt matter who they are..even the ones who love you...sex. The ones who just meet you..sex. The ones who are trying to hook up with you...sex. Sexity Sexity Sex sex sex...yes its on my mind. I want to fuck like a porno star. Hours and hours and hours and hours. Enough of that. Back to what my mind is feeling. Its a strong thing...your mind. Its controlled by so many different things and god knows what else that we dont even know about. Why is it that I attract assholes?!? Do I have a sign plastered on my head "LOOKING FOR SCUMBAG" or something. I really want to find somebody who will just be a companion to me. I just want someone who will cuddle with no strings attached and kiss me with no strings attached and rub me down just because. And eventually when I find that one person who will do all those things and more...then I can have sexual ties. But I need to get my mind off of fucking. and sop doing it for a while. I want to have pure relations and be able to save myself one more time before I meet the "right one". But until then...I just want a cuddle buddy. thats all. I want to date and meet different kinds of men. I want to be taken care of and not worry about whats going to happen next. Im so tired of guys always thinking something comes along with kissing Reality... A touch turns into a hug..turns into a hand hold..turns into kiss..turns into rub..turns into a fuck Ouch!! That burns. But thats life. Now..to stop the final step...thats where I need to be. Life is full of golden pleasures. It doenst always have to be about that. Anyways, Im really tired and Im not going to have any sleep tonight. yippee for me. not! Ill be a bitch tomorrow..but who cares. No reason to worry. I dont have to work or do anything but attend my classes. What to do about these people....I dont know**shrugs her shoulders** (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
11:02 am	So I have lost touch with everything that I stqarted to do for myself. It fucking pisses ne off. I dont tan. I dont go to school(right now). I work only the hours they give without asking for more. I dont have a second job. I dont hang out with friends. I dont have a car. I am no good to myself. I need to stop thinking for others and put myself first. Its so hard not to hurt those raound me to bring myself to the top. I need to be selfish...I have worked my whole life plesing others...and slowly i9 am reverting back to that lifestyle. I want to be free!!!!!! I want to live I want to hyave money I want to have a car I wnat to go to school I want to see my friends. I want to just hang around if thats what I want to do. Im fucking sick of people trying to tell me how to live my life....fucking shut the fuck up!!!!!! so sick of this shit. Let me do what I do. fuck you mother fuckers! I hate you all yet somehow I love you. Gwt the fuck up out my head and deal for yourselves. I want to do me and only me. I need to figure out how to be there. I want to spread my wings and fly. I feel like I am settling in life. Stop fucking around for other people. It is a fucking pattern. Get out get out before it hurts..but I dont wnat to hurt..."I have no choicfe,. need to do the right thing. for sure. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
11:46 am	Changes So i learned that I most likely and not getting the loan. but all is still good. Now its time to put in my back-up plan. Intetntions: 1. Get books from BCC 2. Talk to Fred...see what he says and go from there. 3. Work my ass off and get what I want 4. Get in touch with lost friends So things are changing..not as planned. I have to work with ti and nto get mad. Stop bringing myself down. Its a goos practice and Im going to stick with it. Shit is wierd with Mark...but you know what, Im not worried about it. Its not the only thing on my mind. I need to date a lot of people...even if just for laughs. Revert back to my old ways...lol Current Mood: curious Current Music: Aerosmith-dont Want to Miss a Thing..mommys song (Comment on this)
12:45 am	Close to Finally Everything is finished with Josh. Nothing is in my name. All my furniture is out and I no longer have a key. I have been all smiles since it happened yesterday. Everybody has noticed the difference in my personality. I am back to who I originally was. Crazy, but I have gone back to being someone I use to be and its a beautiful thing. Usually, people want to chnage who they are and not go back. I am on the right track to success, again. I know where I want to go and what to do with my brain. I have always wanted to be in school...I fell into a slump where my grades suffered more than they ever have. I was letting myself go all because of one bad seed. Looking back, there wasnt much good in the relationship. I think I stayed just ebcause everybody said no, its not going to work. I have always tried to live things out, hoping that the right path will come to me. Truth is, I just needed to be away from him. He drained me in every way possible. I am so happy. I walked into work today and everybody is like your really happy today...my boss actually asked if something was wrong. Took me by surprise why he asked it and then it hit. Sometimes people cover up the bad with smiles. I am smiling because I am happy. I feel like a million bucks. I am worth more than the average person my age. I have goals and many things to offer people that walk into my life. Smart, learning that I am attractive, and plans for my life. Not sure who will be there...but that will all fall in on its own.Ahhhh! So excited I can live and breathe and function agian I cant wait to start school. All this time is killing me. I definetly love running around and not having a second to breathe. Makes life fun and the little down time even mroe worth it. I need to work on my tan though...love the rain, but save it for the night, I need sunshine too Ecstatic to Live Current Mood: Life is Great Current Music: Baby I Love your Way-Big Mountain (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 5th, 2008
5:48 pm	One day you will be able to read it...its just too soon Well so much crap has been going on with me lately. I am trying to be a better person. Yet, I have been struck by love. You see Josh is very important to me...I never want to leave him. Unfortunately I am forced to. Im really going to miss late night kisses and chillin a la casa. But, life has thrown me a curve ball. who knows what the future holds, but I cant hold on forever. He has permanently scared my heart. Not in a bad way. Even though we had our rough times, I will always remember the best of times. Just like two days ago when we fucked so crazy, yet so lovingly. heh The couch even spoke for us. I dont want to forget holding his hand so lightly so that maybe he would hold onto it for a little while longer. Or how he would kiss me when he really meant it. Giving me everything I need or wanted while we were together. I know sometimes it doesnt show, but I really do appreciate you being in my life...you are my closest and best friend. But I dont want to be hung up on my best friend forever. You really were good to me. No matter how many times I have taken advantage of your kindness, you were there for me. No matter how much I pushed you to the edge, you still cared. When I would run, you were right there behind me. When shit got tight, you helped me through it. Its obvious that at some point your going to end up readung this, but honestly I hope its later and something you could look back on and say you know what, I had a lot of good times too. But not now, its too soon. Its not so easy for me to show my feelings in the right way. Instead of showing you how much I love you and trust you with my heart and want you by my side...I pushed you away. I thought you could cheat on me. I thought you could hurt me. I thought that by showing you my feelings it would bring you closer to me. When really all showing my feelings did was push you away. Im sorry for everything that I have put you through. Im sorry for the problems that you had with my dad. Im sorry for ever thinking that you would cheat on me. Im sorry for every touching you in the wrong way. Im sorry for slamming doors and screaming like a mad women. But what im not sorry about is that you were in my life. Im not sorry that I shared my body with you. Im not sorry that I shared my soul with you. Im not sorry that you had to listen to my bad days at work...because when I came home to you, it took it all away. I wish you could still be standing by my side. I wish I didnt have to write this to lay off my mind a little. But, its here. You need your space and I dont want you to hurt. I dont wnat you to hate life or hate me. I want to be your friend. I want to be the one who you spend the rest of you life with and have little Joshua Kiernan's running around. I want to be by your side when I got to sleep at night. I wnat to be the one who you wake up to and roll over and grab. I wnat all of thjose things. But I have to let them go for you. It kills me that im stuck in this body that has turned so cold. I want to fix it..but I keep asking myself how. I really dont know. Thats the honest truth. I dont know how to fix what I have done. I dotn know how to make myself better. I dont know what Im going to college for. I dont know how to let you in without pushing you away. I want to know. I want to learn. I want to giv you teh feelings you ahd for me in the beginning. I want you to come home and not have to walk on egg shells. But in the end,I dont have you. All I have are materials. I dont have the love and emotion that you did give to me, pretty much just me. I dont have the time to spend with you anymore. Today you aksed me if we could still be friends.Without a doubt I want to still be friends. I just dont know if all I could be is just your friend. I dont know how I will react or feel or think when I see you with another girl or when we chill. Im sorry. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
5:47 pm	:/ I just dont know what to do anymore... Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
4:59 pm	Dont know Arghhh!! I dont know what to do about the whole job situation. I fully support him as to why he is jobless, but I dont support him not lookming for a job. I have tried to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, but its so aggrevating to have to watch what I say. I just want him to be like other people who need to work to be happy. I do, however, understand that he wont be that way. He LOVES personal training. I get aggrevated when I work out with him, but I cant imagine being in love with anybody else and not being mad at them at the gym. He would be great with other people. I just take things toi lightly sometimes. But anyway, I wish he would realize that its his passion. Then he would want to go to work. I get aggrevateds trying to helphim when all he does is yell at me and basically tell me to leave him alone. Bills have to be paid and we need to be able to go out once in a while. Its hard trying to live off of one income when all I can do is give him food. Im sorry that I cant give anymore, but do something about it. He got mad at me because I told him to get off his butt and I didnt care if he worked at McDonalds. Have some drive. Everybody has to have something they either need to or want to wake up for. Its not a life to live when you have no commitment. I hate my job, but I like the money I get from it. Aside from that bit of frustration, I just started classes yesterday. I think Im going to like them. The professors are very real and understanding, nothing like what you hear they are. I feel secure and that this is my opportunity to shine. Education is the only thing that drives me to keep going. I know that it is the only thing taking me somewhere. I want a better life than those before me. I know that they cant finacially do it, so I MUST keep up the grades. God, please give the the strangth and courage to stick with it. I dont want to be lost in the shuffle. Grandpa, thanks for always being there; I love you. Lately Ive been bothered by mentioning your name. Is there a reason? I keep tearing up...one day Ill be with you, but for now could you ease the pain? Can you let me keep going. I want to cherish your memory, not dwell in it. Mom said shes going to give me your necklace when I get married. I want to frame it so I can see it everyday. I love you!!! Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2007
3:42 pm	Dont know what to do anymore I know its that time of the month, but it doesnt justify everything. There are certain things that happen that upset me just because they do. First off, i never cried while having sex before; but last night changed it all. Some show came on after we finished watching another show on HBO about the day in the life of this porn star. So I got up and turned the tv off because I dont suppport them and dont want my man to be watching that shit while hes getting ready to fuck me. So he puts up this argument about what about females who watch porn with their man..in rebuttle to my statement that most females wouldnt want to have thejhir man watching it while they fuck. Pissed as hell, I got up and turned the tv back on. He had the nerve to tell me that now I was forcing him to watch it. He could of gotten up and changed the channel or turned the tv off. Hes the one who chose. It made me cry to sit there and listen to it while I knew he was watching it. He doesnt even know that I did; he just asked why I didnt want to look at him and kept on going. Not only did we fuck while watching it, but he wanted to fuck in the position for him to be able to see the TV and said "you need to do something cuz Im about to be lost" when I said I didnt want to use that position tonight. Today we went to Hustler for the first time. All the things that I like he refuses to like. Im sorry but Im not going to dress like a whore to make you happy. I dont feel the need to degrade myself when I can dress in a nicer outfit and get the same result. It doesnt really matter what I wear thought because it will be off oin seconds. After that experience of holding my emotional self back, we proceeded to my allergy doctor. He decided to wait in the car rather than come in. Didnt hit me why he wanted to stay in outside at first, but I knew whne I got back into the car. He smoked out of his bowl. I cant describe the denial he is in. He honestly believes he is not addicted to the shit. But whats going to happen when he leaves to go to the gym, hes goingt o smoke again, and possibly again later tongiht. He use to just smoke at night a few days a week. Now he smoked almost every day, most likely all but 1 day a week. Not only is he soking at home or with a buddy, but now its at work and when he goes out and to play basketball. He cant go months with out doing it now, at least I dont think so. It would be extremely hard for him. He DOES have an issue and I wish he would just face it and see it an get rid of the problem. He never kept it in his car or had a pipe. It just makes me mad that his life literally revovles around it. I think im pissed at the combination of him wanting me to dress like a whore, watch other sluts while he fucks me and smokes ALL THE TIME!!!!!! Some days I really want to just walk out of the house for a little while, clear my head; but it could only hurt our relationship. Or have him leave for a little while. I get so angry sometimes. And today could have been a crazy ass day if I would of let my emotions take over rather than fight it. I woudnt be sitting in the same room right now because he would be gone somewhere. He would come home na dnot even sleep with me. Id rather keep it to this journal than tell him the truth. Im sorry, Im sorry for keeping this; but he does know how I feel about all of it, he just ignores it. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
7:17 pm	:) Im so happy he came to bed last night and told me "you come" and pulled me close to him. When the larm woke us up, he pulled me back to him when somehow I moved away in the middle of the night. I love the days when he just wants to love me. It makes me feel so much better; about myself and just makes me happy when I have to work a long day. I hope his loving attitude continues tonight. I love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Friday, July 13th, 2007
7:56 pm	How? How am I suppost to keep on not thinking about how his actions affect me. My stomach is always hurting because I keep thinking about how he is acting this week. Hes being so selfish. Its like I have to ask him to watch tv, and even then its like pulling teeth.Its been all about him. And today I get my first really good check and the one thing he asks me is am I going to pay for his tattoo. I told him I was putting away a hundred dollars and he chose to use it when we went away; he said that he prettymuch paid for his bday..thats was his choice. And Im really upset that he completely ignored our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. That meant so much to me and the only thing I got was a happy anniversary. I understand it was your birthday, but you knew it was important to me. Not even a card or flowers..and everything was about his brithday. It wasnt that way when my birthday came around. And he said to me that it was just another 365 days to him(our one year)..when your bday is only 365 days as well. I dont know. Hes been smoking like everyday and I dont know if that has anything to with it. Im just really pissed that all he thinks about is himself, tv, smoking, and playing his video game, then just sleepijg and getting fucked when he feel like it. I think the last straw was him telling me "im drifting" while I was on the phone with him. Argh!!!! Im really like upset that im upset which doesnt help that im upset. If he only knew, or cared. Either way, I still believe that he would be like your crazy but its been days, not just one Im trying to let it pass, well see what happens. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
11:28 pm	What do I do? Ok, so I come home from working and babysitting all day. No big deal except for I just want to spend some amoount of quality time with him. I know eventully it will come. So I turned on the computer to pass some time. I see that he went on, and then I check the history...I was fuming! My heart began to race and I felt like I wa sgoing to cry. I turned the computer off and immediately ran to the shower. I couldnt help but let thefew tears drip down my cheek. Is it wrong to feel so heartbroken to know that he couldnt help but look at other females on teh internet? Am I wrong to think that he should be satisfied with me. I have been so elf conscious lately..partly because of him. Simetimes I really feel like he isnt satisfied with my body..always talking about the gym and me not getting fat..its upsetting. But Should I let it get to me? I think Im most upset because Ive been working lately to actually tan myself. And it was like I was slapped in the face when he turns to look at other naked chicks. I dont know. I decided not to say anything because I dont want to cause an ongoing issue. I want to, but my heart tells me I shouldnt. I think im getting a little over it..with time. Thanks for always being an open ear...by the way...A couple weeks ago I was really spooked by my great grandma. It was like she was trying to visit me in my dreams. I was bugged out and woke up, thank god he was there. Sometimes he really is the only one tht can calm me. I thank him for that. Lord, please give him the good life. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
9:02 pm	Im not sure I can handle it I thought moving jbs would be so much easier. I thought all th drama would be left behind; but when it comes down to it, its only gotten worse. Im battling the untouchable. Everyday I walk in the door I have to prepeare myself to hear and see things I dont want to see. Im battling the love of my life and all those against him. I dont know how I an keep getting through these days. I hate having to defend him. I hate having to hear the bullshit talk. I hate how the store is run and who runs it. I just want to work. I wnat to go in on my shitfs and run them like they should be. But thats near impossible on the days that I actually run the shift; however, when Ame is suppost to be running it, I am!!!!!! Im tired of doing the things she should be doing. She does know what to do, but because she is so soft spoken Larence tells me to do all the things she should be doing. I dont appreciate being undermined whe Im suppost to run it but then being told to do it all when its not my soul responsibility. im so afraid of just blowing up one day at work. I know right now I am emotioanlly unstable because its that time of the month, but please tell me ill stop feeling this way. I want to know it will get better sooner or later, Im afraid it wont thoguh. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 10th, 2007
12:51 am	Craziness On another note... I feel like doing something completely crazy and obscene. I want to violate and get away with it! I want to do something crazy so fuckin bad but I dont know what...???? Crazy buut I just need something to drive my adrenanline....ahhhh! lol Current Music: Tool-Forty six and two (Comment on this)
Monday, November 27th, 2006
10:06 am	ok....who knows Umm yea....so Josh was over last night and I was tired and what not, but we still managed to have our time together before I feel asleep. Hes such a sweetheart. He wanted to watch sports and I wnated to watch Titanic so he finally(after a little while of the face) put it on. Yay! I knew when he changed it, but I didnt say anything because in another two seconds I would be asleep. As always, he woke me up to say goodbye and kiss me..not just kiss..but kiss. As he wlaked away I wanted to call him back over to me..I love his kisses. There so sweet and tender..Its like that big piece of steak you want to always have. But..I didnt. Whe I woke up this morning, I was sad to se that he wasnt beside me. Its like this empty feeling I get inside of me. I dont know how to explain it, but it just feels like a part of me is missing. Ive never had this feeling before..Sunday was beautiful. I fell asleep in his arms for the better part of the night and ended up back in his arms after only two hours of being by myself. I love him so much. I feel so alive today. When I was at work yesterday something just came over me. I dont know it was a wierd feeling..like I really had a moment where I was like I have been drivingmyself into a hole for some time now and Im almost to the point where I cant pull myself out. Sad, but true. I knew I had to go home and conquer some homework. It felt so rewarding to actually put the effort into my studies and then have the ability to see Josh for a little while. I havent had that feeling since the first month or so. I actualy earned the right, in my mind, to have some free time. Thats all Ive been doing is free free free. Ive put education on the bnack burner for too long now and I AM- not just need- to do whatever it takes to pull my grades up. Today we had a sub in 1st block and normally, well this year anyway, I would have just out my head down and went to sleep for the enitire block...but today I actually read over the chapter and answered questions. I liek doing what needs to get done again. I think thats the greatest feeling. What made me realize how far Ive gone is when this girl at work was having a rough day and I akeed her about it...she opened up to me. Lately, I would have left it at that. but I tried to tell her the reality of the situation and that things will work out and its selfish of the other person to do. I offered a ride home and she accepted..but then friends came in and she left with them. I thought top myself...here is someon tryin g to help you but youd rather take the hard way out. Maybe sme people need to have a hardship to realize how good they have it. I dont know..you probably think its nothing, but it really bothered me. Anyways..it made me relaize that I havent been helping others and Ive only been indulging myself..its ok to do that, but I need to work for it. I like today its a beautiful day. I woke up feeling well rested and almost completely over my cold(I think). This is the right attitude to go through life with..now Im going to put it back in my life. The sun is bright and I feel cheerful and thankful and loving and missing you and knowing that I am going to put forth my best effort in everything I do form now on..and not slip out of that again. I love life!!!!! Gosh if there was a trampoline I would jump for hours and just laugh and dream of my future just because. Shelbys smile is getting brighter. Justin is growing and showing that he is cooncened about his health and hygiene. Zachary..well still going though his changes. He is very much into well hating me. He does nothing but complain and make jokes and fun of me. But I see it as nothing. He has always been close to me and sometimes people need an outlet..if remarks are his..let them be (for now anyway). Its just a phase...we all went through it. You hate everyone..even the ones you love most. I dont know I just hope he does break out of it. Hes realizing that Justin picks on him and Shelby is getting al the attention. Zach use to be the attention getter. Now hes just a nuisence to most. Poor kid..hell realize someday that we love him the same. Dad has been his usual and Cat as well. Theyre just themselves out for themselves with the smoking. Health is important. I love m family. I think I need to spend more time with my mom. Matthew neeeds more of me too. Maybe his grades are suffering because hes hurting and lonely..you know thats a big role for a 2nd grader..home life affects them. I feel so guilty. Sorry bubba! Current Mood: awake Current Music: chattering (Comment on this)
Monday, November 20th, 2006
10:41 pm	just a wish I just wish you could be awake here next to me. I know it probably doesnt mean much to you, but it means the world to me. I feel that you are my everything and if at the end of the day were not on good terms then I cant sleep well, but thats not the case. Everything is perfect between us. I just didnt really talk to you or see you at all today and well it I just want to be right here with you. Ive slept so much and its catching up with me. I called you and left a message but its not the same. Im scared to call you because you really need your sleep. I give you a lot of kudos because I dont know how you can sleep so much without talking to me. I cant sleep when I dont hear your voice. It really does "serenade" me like that one song I showed you the lyrics to. You are my world. Brigette said to me that she doesnt want me to loose who I am and she doesnt see that happening with me being with you, but she worries that if something were to happen that i wouldnt be myself. I tell her "yea but Im not worried about that happening". My dreams, my goals, my laughs and my smiles are now all because of you. I dont want to call you because youll be like "sleep..need sleep"..but sometimes I just wish you could see that I just want to hear your voice. I dont know why but I just do. I just need to hear you...Josh...I would be in a life of unwanted chaos if you werent in it. But all the chaos has meaning..not an actual meaning but the meaning that it will all be done with in one year from now. I think of sitting in bed with you in OUR home..not house...and just watching you smile while your watching sports. I love just looking at you sometimes when you dont see me. Most of the time you do, but when you dont I just see the happiness of your soul. Yes you do have one..I believe you do. Every minute were apart is just another smile lost. Im always smiling when Im with you..or thinking, dreaming, talking, wanting..just YOU. I hate when we dont do things together If its more than 24 hours before I actually see you, and sometimes I can tell that frustrates you..but I just well I dont know..I just like contact with you. It makes life so much easier. I love looking breathing, thinking JOSH. And when I do my test scores are higher and my sleep is a little lighter.I somewhat discipline myself with you. I know you dont see it, but Ill tell myself sometimes...especially with reading that I cant call you or have any contact until I get so far along..or just to get through any homework. Your my every award in life. Im so happy that I found you and I just happiness happiness..what can I say. Sometimes I think happy is too elementary but no other word seems to fit. I just..its just pure happiness. I like letting you in...I always let a little part of everyone in..I have no secrtes(ever)..but your the only one who I dont even think twice to tell something of my past..or present for that matter. I know that I can be tough to handle sometimes and I really am sorry and I just want to be happy with you and i know you want that too, so I guess in a way thank you for not giving up on me. I.. Im kind of wordless for the moment..I just love talking to you this way sometimes..I feel I get across better. Anyways **smiling as I get side tracked** Well I just just thanks and I really mean that. Out of all the people in my life your the only person who has followed through with every word and thought that youve ever said to me. I can never depend on my moms word and sometimes my dad will say one thing and act another and all the same all the way around the rest of the table...but you just wont stop until you have conquered all of me..and hopefully thereafter. Baby, for all the things that Ive done and youve done and weve done..were amazing together. I think were the best couple ever...:P So yea..."love me for me" thats what you do. Current Mood: grateful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
9:53 am	i dont know How can you say "I hope you will remember the feelings you had thenand think like that again" I would and have not changed the way I feel about you. I think thats the biggest misinterpretationof all of this. I dont really get what your doing or even why your doing it...but I do at the same time. Ive hurt you, I know that. I want to fix it and Ive been trying. But somehow I always screw things up worse when I try to let you see. I meant every word I said in that journal. I still mean and and that opinion will never change. I dont know if your purposly trying to hurt me in this process or not. You have every right, though. But im falling so hard so fast that I cant keep up with it. You wont even look at me now. It kills me to see that. NOTHING is EVER worth that pain. I couldnt even attempt to do that to you. Im sorry that anything Ive said to you has upset you and I know your mad at me..remeber? actions speak louder than words! When I say that I want you next to me , I mean it. Im trying so hard not to lose you. I feel like Im doing the opposite though. Please dont let that happen. My world would turn upside down..its already starting. I cant stop thinking about my loove for you and all that I give and not even a smile....I try so hard and I just wnat to curl into a ball and let be from the rest of the world. I dont want to walk through these halls. I dont wnat to see daylight. I dont want to laugh at a joke or watch Gilmore Girls. I want nothing..without you I am nothing. I feel alone now. Dont let this go on. Please dont be mad forever. You know that you didnt mean that. You know that I still care for you no matter what happens. I know you know. Im not dumb. How can I continue to appologize for my actions that I know were wrong and sincerely do mean that I was wrong and shouldnt be a bitch all teh time and say things that arent real or make issue that are bigger then they are. I feel the effects of it and cant stand the pain. Liek I saiod I dont know if its intentional or not..I guess it doesnt matyter because your always going to be mad at me for the things I say. Im trying not even to think about the fact that Im PMSing because that just makes it all worse from my perspective. I dont know I just wish things would go back to normal. I wnat to be happy with youa nd not look at you and see no emotion on your face. It pains me.. Damn I love you I know yuou know that. I hate this I cant stand it. Last night a van almost hit me and I almost wished it did. I ahte not seeing you smile or look at me or anything. It hurts yes it does and if thats what you were trying to prove well then youve well done that. Please Please Please just let us be us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
10:25 am	Wahoo... "Dance! Dance!" AHHHH too much Fall Out Boy. Im so excited baout the new IPOD..chea! But yea Josh, you make fun of the music I listen to. hehe :P Ok So today is going positive. What a freaky ass dxream to have. Doin your dad?!? WTF..CRAZY!!!!!!!! Ok so Ive been thinking about the whole my past thing and how ironic that my horoscope sasys to put off school work and take care of those I love(pretty much).Ill take care of you allright. :P Be) in every class. HoI love you I love you I love you I love you.....mmmmhmmm! Im so bored sitting here and need to do trig but cant because this lady keeps walking by. She gets mad at me for doing stuff other than GLIDES. BLEH! im so addicted to him. Cant stop thinking about him. I have little hearts with "Kiernan" wrote all over my notebooks inbetween lectures. Always on my mind. I love him! This weekend made me really want to be a mom so much sooner. Tristan is so cute and I just want to eb able to give life to such a beautiful thing. I want to be the one my son and/or daughter turns to for comfort. I want to see the first smile and hear the first laugh. I wnat to share that with the man of my dreams. I am such a lucky girl. I coudlnt have asked for more. His familt is very accepting of me. I love getting along with MY in-laws. One day theyll be my true ones though. I promise ill drop dead in tears of happiness when he proposes to me. We talk about it all the time, but I know when it actually happens ill be so excited and soo surprised still. I just cant help thinking of my future. It keeps me living on the inside and out. This weekend proved everything to me. I didnt know how it wold be not having to worry about people..and most of the time I didnt. It was just me and him and our happiness. I love him more now than ever. Im sure hes the one. Thanks for walking into my life. Without you Id be a mess. I love you more than life itself Current Mood: excited Current Music: epiphany (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
9:38 pm	so fed up I cant stand it. everyone finds my weak points and uses it to their advantage. my dad knows that if he can make me laugh Ill give in., Josh knows the right ways to just absolutely fucking pis me off. Im done what do I need to do to make things right??!?!? Im so arghhh!!! I just wnat to hit something and break and tear scream and yell. Work is so aggrevating. I dont want to be here. fuck the world. Why do we exist? I always wonder that. what is the purpose of being in earth. Is there life after death? Why dont we know these things. People have no life. why are you goinmg to complain about something taht was never said. If you dotn wnat damn chese speak up. Damn it...I hate life. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Just run me into a wall so I dont haveto wake up. Life would be so much easier not existing. Why are some people so lucky that nobody cares? Is it out of love that people do things to piss you off, or is it because they do want the control. Im so sick of it. Just leave me alone and let me live. Dont you see that. I ahte every living part of you. You try and sugar coat it"its out of love" shut the fuck up and let down what it really is. You love to have control, cant stand it if you dont, and love to hear yourself talk. There really is nothing more to say, but dare I say that. Youd flip and have a cow over and over. You use every word against me. I could say the sky looks dark and you would somehow find a way to ruin my life one more step. Just let me go let me leave. I hate you. You make life so stressful. I was starvving when I wooke up and decided to eat some cherrios. You literally made me sick to my stomach when you started talking about how I never listen crap again. I literally could not eat. I had to get up and throw it away. Dont you see how rediculous you are? Get a life, a real one and actually live it. Dont stand around and let people do everytyhing for you. Spoiled fucking asshole. I hate you. Go to hell is what I woudl love to tekll you when you talk to me. Its starting to just go in one ear and out the other. Im so done with talkinga bout the same tthing.I know you only gave me my phone back just because you wnat to be able to have complete control over every second of my life. Heaven forbid you not call me a million times a day. What does it satisfy you that I get so huigh strung about it? I know it killed you to watch me in silence. Hit me..thats what Im wiating for. Id love for you to do it. Just another reaosn for me to leave, and only it wpudl be a legal one. I havent felt so much hate to anyone in my life. You are the only person that make sme feel this way. Ill never actually tell you how I really feel. I try to, but you just dont listen. I told you that today and you still continue to just not liusten. You are mentally stripping me of my being. I am having stomach aches and bouts of anger thoughout the day. I think of you and I think of a way to hurt myself. Does cutting relieve stress? I think about doing it. Im scared to do it, but I think about it all teh time. You kill me, slowly and painfully. Go ahead keep on pushing me further away. I ahve no need for you in my life. Your an asshole with his head in the clouds. FUCK YOU! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
9:48 am	LIGHTBULB!!!! HEH Random idea. So I think that Josh and I should go to the Staind concert at Hard Rock tonight. Sounds like a plan to me. Ill give Cat a call at lunch and hopefully shell say yes. In fact Im qalmost positive she will because...wait a minute, I haveto call Dad. bleh! Doesnt matter hell still say yes. Ill be home around midnight and Ill be with someone he trust in a local area. Ok, this could work. My horoscope, ironically, says something tot the effect of if i follow thorugh the pices will fit. Definite lightbulb. I liek it!!!! Off to claqsswork I go..jujst needed to share my sudden burst of excitement somewher :P (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
10:37 am	Reality Ok, so I try to make myself realize where I stand in my life everyday. Today is one of those reflective days. I need to get my act together. It made me sad to hear that college tour is tomorrow and Im not going. Thats one thing that Ive always wnated to do. So Ive been thinking all morning and Im still not sure where I stand as far as what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love the medical field, but I keep having thoughts of doing the whole crime scene stuff. It just interests me so much. I dont want to make the wrong decision. Suddenly everything Ive always dreamed of isnt what I want anymore. I want to be happy is my ultimate goal. I useto know how to achieve that, but now I dont know. I dont even think I want to go to UF anymore. I dont know if I want to stay in Florida. I dont know I dont know I dont know. Its driving me crazy to now know anything anymore. I know everyone goes through a phase where they dont knwo what they want. I guess this is my phase. I was so sure and now Im not. Josh has been amazing, more than ever this past week. He really does listen when I say things. I think I want to plan to tour a bunch of colleges sometime soon and take him with me. It disgusts me that he has never left home. I wnat to show him the world and I wnat to see new things with him. How can someone be never do anything with their kids? I dont know. i wish I didnt haveto work today. Life would be a little easier. Though, you know, It is pretty fair..I guess. I love when Josh puts me to sleep with his soft hands and tender touch. I always wake up in a much better mood and feel more alive. I could definitely get useto having that everynight. *sigh* I love him so much. I always revert back to thinking about him. Ill be thinking about my math and soehow it relates to him or anything. I dont know..it doesnt distract me, at one point I thought it did, but it just makes it seem a little easier. Wierd, I know; but truthful. I finally got somewhat new tires on my car. Dad says my check should be coming this week, I hope it does. I still cant decide if I should save the money or do what I wnat to do with it now. I keep thinking I should save it to get a little further ahead with college funds(that I dont have) or *lightbulb goes off* tour colleges with that money. Ahhh! Life is os confusing. I think I loose and ocnfuse myself in it. Well, now that I wrote all my thoughts out I suppose I should go. Well, it kind of bothers me the whole female issue. I dont think that it should be this way. It bothers me. I guess well find out someday. toodles Current Mood: refreshed Current Music: some music in the library..soft sounds (Comment on this)